Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Hindsight is always 20/20

Our baby boy is 9 days old, and everything has been wonderful so far. Big sister has adjusted so well, I am extremely proud of her and thankful for what a good girl she is. We are so blessed! Jonah sleeps, eats, and sleeps some more...He is so happy and adorable. We couldn't be more thankful for this family God has given us.
The first few days after coming home from the hospital, my mother-in-law was here with us to help out. It was so nice to have the company and support during my first few days with two kids. She was so helpful with cooking meals, holding Jonah when I needed to get something done, and helping me figure out the whole pumping/bottle feeding thing. I never pumped with Phoenix, so it's all new to me. So far, so good!

I have found myself obsessing over my birth story, and not being able to let go of the 'woulda, shoulda, coulda's'. It's not that I'm not completely thankful for God bringing me through it and granting me my VBAC, but there are definitely defining moments that, looking back, I know I made the wrong decision and wish I could have a re-do.

First, I think I went to the hospital too soon. I felt like I had to, because I had nowhere else to go that I would be away from Phoenix, but looking back I wish I had taken a while longer to snuggle with her, maybe take a bath or something with her, before going. It was our last moments with her as our Only child, and I kind of rushed it. I regret that now.

Second, I Never, ever should have let them break my water. I think breaking my water was part of what caused him to get stuck in such a funky position, leading to my epidural. I wish I had been more patient and let my body do what it needed to do.

Knowing now what I didn't know then, I Wish I could go back. HOWEVER, I do feel completely at peace knowing that I did what I thought was best at the time, and still got my VBAC. I feel successful and regretful at the exact same time.

I know that only time will help me overcome the negative emotions surrounding my experience. Satan wants to keep me from remaining in awe of God, he wants to remove me from my state of happiness and move me to a state of doubt...I can't let him do that to me!

My birth story, my experience, Jonah's arrival - The story is now complete. And now I have to move forward, to be the best mother I can be to my two beautiful blessings - no matter how they arrived into this world. They are amazing and I can't let anything distract me from that.

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