Friday, November 30, 2012


After a few long, exhausting days of feeling very detached from God - these words seemed to jump off of the page and into my soul this afternoon...

Joshua 18:3
"How long will you wait before you begin to take possession of the land that Yhwh, the God of your fathers, has given you?"
It was as if God was asking me directly, "What are you waiting for?". Why haven't I taken claim to the childbirth that He has promised me? Why do I still worry, still wonder, still doubt? My faith is still so weak! I live my life as though I don't REALLY believe that God is big enough, or good enough, or loving enough to give me the desires of my heart. And He is asking me...How long will you wait? I'm only torturing myself - Just as the Israelites were doing. Rather than entering the promised land and enjoying the benefits of God's promise, they allowed themselves to get comfortable in a less-than-desireable place. They doubted that God could possibly have anything better for them, even though He had already promised it to them. By not accepting the promise and letting go of my doubts and fears, I am telling God that I don't trust Him...I don't believe Him. And I am robbing myself of the peace and traquility that comes with trusting in His Holy will.

Father, thank you for your promises. Thank you for your love and forgiveness when my faith is weak. And thank you for your strength.
I pray that Your good and perfect will would be fulfilled in my life. I pray that, through the strength of your holy spirit, I would be filled with the kind of faith that moves mountains. I pray protection over my body, and blessing over the baby in my womb. I pray your favor over our entire family.
In the name of Jesus Christ, I declare that You are great and mighty. I declare your power and kingship over my life. I declare that I am blessed because you love me. You reign - Forever and ever - As creator of the universe, your will is always perfect. I praise you in all things. Amen!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Chinese lunch buffet

^My 33 week bumparoo^
My husband lovingly took the entire week of thanksgiving off of work for us to spend as a family. On our first day off together, we decided to eat lunch at a chinese buffet. Not just any old chinese buffet either; this one was playing uncensored Lil Wayne throughout our meal. Therefore - My dear husband spent the rest of the "vacation" taking care of Phoenix and I while I was bedridden with cramps, diarreah, and stabbing pains for 36 hours. Oh, the joys of growing a human. :-)

By thanksgiving day I was feeling better, so we ventured off to our dear friend's house and spent the day eating, playing games, and chatting. It was a great time and we have SO much to be thankful for!

Last night, as I was putting my little girl to bed - It hit me that she won't remember the past 2 years. She'll grow up never remembering life without her little brother/sister. That's so bittersweet for me...After 2 years of staying home with her, nursing for 17 months, travelling - moving - playing - She will never have any memories of being my "only baby". I so cherish these two years. I cherish the moments I've spent with her, the night-time nursing and co-sleeping, the special bond I've shared with my precious first child. And while she will never remember, I will never forget. I'll remember for her.

We're now 7 weeks away from baby's projected date of arrival. I am looking forward to spending these next 7 weeks with my girl. Of course I'm anxiously awaiting the moment I get to finally meet my newest babe - But for now, I'm content. I'm content with my perfect, bright-eyed, mommy's girl. And I'm cherishing every moment alone with her.

Monday, November 19, 2012

32 week checkup

Every doctors appointment leaves me feeling more encouraged, more at peace, and more thankful for where God has lead me for OBGYN care. I read so many horror stories online of women who are left with lack of support, lack of proper healthcare, and lack of confidence because of their unsupportive OBs...and I am so thankful to not be one of those women!
My doctor has been so wonderfully encouraging and I just know that God will place the right people in my labor and delivery experience. He is faithful!

Today I'm measuring right on, baby is head-down. CS Scar looks normal, heartbeat is great. Blood pressure was perfect and Im feeling so confident! He did talk about scheduling my c-section "just in case", but he is allowing me to put it off a bit and decide for myself when I'm comfortable to do it. Right now I'm not even thinking that far ahead, so I haven't set the date yet.

I also found out that I can birth in the birthing tub, if it's available when I go in.
I don't need continuous monitoring unless something seems wrong, but I will need a heplock, which is fine.

I can come in whenever I feel like it once labor has begun...They are really leaving it all up to me and allowing me to trust in my own body and decide for myself what my experience is like. It's such a blessing!

God just continues to prove Himself faithful in my life.
For now, I am just relaxing and enjoying pregnancy - Enjoying a week-long vacation with the hubby for Thanksgiving - And playing our new WiiU :-)
I'll continue praying daily, constantly, that God will bring healing, peace, comfort, and joy in my life - That His will would be accomplished through our family - That He would be glorified in my birthing experience.

I know that His plans for me are wonderful. <3

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Forgiveness and Healing

God is so good!! I am so thankful that He doesn't let me sit around my whole life in stagnant anger and pain - That He encourages me to face these things head on, even when they hurt. And I am so grateful that He doesn't allow me to do it in  my own weakness, but that He gives me His Holy Spirit to guide me in strength. He is so good.

Today I realized that I was underestimating God's healing power. I was asking Him to do something He already created my body to do: Give birth. He has reassured me time and time again that He will bring me through childbirth, and it's time to let go of my worry and just BELIEVE that.

But He does want to do more.

And so today I began a new "prayer circle" - And I can't wait to see what He's going to do with this one, as impossible as it seems - I know that My God is Able:
I'm asking Him to heal my uterus.

To bring complete restoration and healing to my body, mind, and soul.

And I know that He will have His way. I am so thankful for His good and perfect will.

Jeremiah 29:11
He wants more for me than I can even dare to imagine. He has better plans for my life than I could ever dream to ask Him for.

So full of grace.
So full of love.
Thank you Jesus!!! <3

Friday, November 16, 2012


Today is one of those days...

My head hurts,
I'm tired,
My tummy aches,
I have heartburn,
I'm emotional and hormonal,
I can't seem to get into a position that doesn't make me feel like my stomach is the size of a large watermelon...Probably because it is.

But I have to remember to count my blessings. Thank God I'm so uncomfortable ... I'm pregnant, praise the Lord! I prayed for so long for this little life, and I'm so thankful to be blessed with another perfect, healthy child. I can't wait to meet him/her...

I also can't wait for my back to stop killing me...


Wednesday, November 14, 2012


This week has been really exciting, because I'm beginning to see some ends tying together in my healing journey. God's spoken many words of comfort, wisdom, and strength into me recently that I am confident are preparing me for my childbirth experience. I am so thankful for His presence in all of this.

The word says "Even though I walk through the valley of death".

It doesn't say "You take me around the valley of death." "You carry me over the valley of death", etc. This world - The pain, the heartache - The valley of death - He allows us to walk through it...And while I can't tell you why, I can tell you this: You are not alone...

Psalms 23:4 "Even though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; Your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
Romans 8:31 "What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, then who can be against us?"
Romans 8:38 "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to seperate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

When I was being abused, when I was getting my c-section, when I was convinced that my marriage was over...Every single awful, painful time of my life when I thought that God had abandon me...He was there. He was there, hurting with me. He was there, reaching out to me, wanting so badly to comfort me. It took me years to accept that comfort. And the journey still isn't always easy. There is so much sin, so much doubt, so much pain that keeps us from accepting the full love of Jesus. But He died, and moreso, He rose again - So that we can receive His love, grace, mercy, and comfort. And He is right here, with us, reaching out.

Satan is a liar, he's an accuser, and he is wrong. He's telling you, like he's told me time & time again, that God has abandon you. He's convincing you that God doesn't exist (If he did, why would he "let" you feel all this pain?). He's telling you that you are worthless, that God just doesn't love you the way he loves others. Your sin is too great. Your doubt is too unforgivable.
Satan. Is. A. Liar.

Don't let him win your heart. Through the death and resurrection of Jesus, we are all free...We are all loved and comforted by the rod and staff of The Lord, even though we walk through the valley of death. All we have to do is accept that, and tell satan to beat it! He is not welcome!

God is so loving and good, and I am so thankful for His peace and comfort. I can't always find the words to describe it, but I urge you - Give Him a chance. Once you get even a small taste of the love and grace of God, I promise you'll never regret it. Let Him in, let Him help. He is with you.

XOXO -Meghan.

Friday, November 9, 2012

July 10, 2010

July 10, 2010 was the most amazing, lifechanging, disappointing, painful, and wonderful day of my life so far. A little after midnight, I finally met my precious little girl that I'd waited not-so-patiently for. She was perfect, healthy, and beautiful. I held her 20 minutes after my surgery, and we breastfed immediately. I was happy with my experience, or so I told myself.

Months later, after we got past the initial pains and struggles of nursing, and established a nice little routine with our new family of three, I was able to reflect...and boy, is hindsight 20/20. I finally saw my own disappointment, my own pain, my own fear - Everything that I had supressed for so long, worried that admitting to being disappointed in my daughter's birth would mean I was a bad mom.

Obviously I was, and am forever grateful that she and I both came out of surgery healthy. Obviously I couldn't be more in love with her precious little face, and the wonderful little girl she has become. I'm not a bad mom. But I am disappointed in the experience we shared. I am disappointed that I allowed myself to become subject to the healthcare system, ultimately leading my daughter and I into an unnecessary c-section and robbing us of those first precious moments of her life...all because I was impatient and slightly uncomfortable.

Now, 9 weeks away from my Estimated Due Date with Baby #2, I am very much looking forward to experiencing childbirth the way that God meant for it to be. I am filled with anxiety, excitement, passion, and sometimes fear. I am confidently anticipating God moving in unimagineable ways through my VBAC experience.
But I am scared.
I can't help but play around with the many "what if's" in my mind.
What if I end up in the OR again?
What if I go overdue and fall into the pressure of an unnecessary c-section again?
What if I do actually NEED a c-section this time, will I be OK with that????

I don't know what the end of this pregnancy journey looks like yet, and that scares the bejeebies out of me.

Putting my faith on the line in this way is something I'm not used to. I always add a little obligatory "your will be done" to the end of my prayers, so that if God doesn't perform in the way I want Him to, then I can avoid feeling let down. But with this - it's different. I can't imagine natural birth NOT being His will for me. I can't imagine laying on the operating table again and NOT feeling let down by the Almighty Lord. And praying such a bold prayer as this is not something I am used to. But here I am, and I think it's right where He wants me.

This week has been so full of emotional ups-and-downs. Partly due to hormones, and partly due to God working in my heart - And I am thankful for both. I am thankful for the Sunday mornings when His Holy Spirit pulls at my heart, calling me to forgive my abuser (again) - When I thought I was 'over' it, when I thought I was 'past' that - He took me yet another step further and renewed my strength once again, in that Holy way that only He can. I am thankful for my hormonally tear-filled ride to work when a glance in the backseat filled me with an overwhelming sense of love for my daughter, moving me to tears. I am thankful for the nights when I'm laying in the dark silence of my daughter's bedroom, listening to her breathe steadily as she drifts off to sleep, and feel that tiny jolt within me, reminding me of this brand new life that will be soon added to our family. When these thoughts fill me with love, with fear, with joy, and with anxiety - I am thankful for each emotion, for each moment, and for each undeserved blessing.

I am also thankful that God has given me the courage to share my story. I am hopeful that sometime, somewhere, it will reach someone and offer an answer to a prayer - a feeling of support - and a little bit of understanding. If my story brings even one single person closer to Christ, then it was worth every ounce of pain.
God Bless.

Friday, November 2, 2012

November's here already?!?!

Ten weeks left to go! :o

We had our 30 week checkup today, everything looks fantastic. Measuring perfectly, sitting low, head down - Mommy's healthy, baby's healthy. HR 145. We are getting SO close to meeting this little one!!!

We had a great halloween with some family friends - Our 2 year old was Minnie Mouse, and her best friend was Mickey...It was adorable :-) The baby was a 'pumpkin'...I kept the paint on just long enough for some pictures, and then decided it wasn't worth getting paint all over everything to walk around like that all night. Haha.

Still feeling very at peace emotionally and mentally. God is so good. It is amazing for me to look back at my 'story' so far, realizing all of the amazing ways that He carried me through the hard times, gave me strength and courage, and blessed me abundantly when I didn't deserve it. I am so thankful.

My husband is becoming more and more supportive and loving the closer we get to 'birth day', which is yet another thing I have to be thankful for. Although we STILL cannot agree on names!!! I know that we will decide by the time the baby's here, but I can't help but be worried. What if days, or weeks, go by that we have a baby and no name for him/her?!?! :o Poor nameless baby...

Anyhoo - I plan on working two days a week (waiting tables) through the holidays - It's a nice way to get some exercise, adult interaction, and uhm...yummy food... :-) OK I admit, I probably do it mostly for the food.
It will also help the time go by (Not that I Really need it to go by any faster than it is).

I hope that 30 weeks finds all of my readers happy & healthy as well!!! God bless <3