Somehow, I guess I expected my VBAC to bring "healing" to the anger, pain, and sadness that surrounds my Csection memories. In a way, I guess it did - It proved to me that I'm Not broken, that I am strong and capable, that my body works and that God is with me. But the memories of my csection are still there, and they still hurt. And they always will.
My csection will always, forever, be a part of my journey. The emotions that come with it will always exist within me. And as much as I wish I could make them go away, I suppose I'm also thankful for them. I'm thankful for my story - For my daughter and my son...And the special, unique ways they arrived into this world. I am thankful for the pain, the happiness, the anger, the joy, and every emotion that comes with childbirth and motherhood. I am thankful that I have a story that can relate to SO many women around the world - That through my testimony I can offer support, love, understanding, and encouragement. If even one woman in my life is encouraged by my story, then all of the pain was worth it.
Over time, I'm sure it will lessen - But I have realized now that it will always exist. My VBAC was an amazing experience, one that I am so thankful to have had. And I am also thankful that it didn't "heal" my memories of the way Phoenix arrived into the world - That I can still hold on to our experience together - And now, moving forward, I can embrace it.
Motherhood is such an interesting journey. For all of us.