July 10, 2010 was the most amazing, lifechanging, disappointing, painful, and wonderful day of my life so far. A little after midnight, I finally met my precious little girl that I'd waited not-so-patiently for. She was perfect, healthy, and beautiful. I held her 20 minutes after my surgery, and we breastfed immediately. I was happy with my experience, or so I told myself.
Months later, after we got past the initial pains and struggles of nursing, and established a nice little routine with our new family of three, I was able to reflect...and boy, is hindsight 20/20. I finally saw my own disappointment, my own pain, my own fear - Everything that I had supressed for so long, worried that admitting to being disappointed in my daughter's birth would mean I was a bad mom.
Obviously I was, and am forever grateful that she and I both came out of surgery healthy. Obviously I couldn't be more in love with her precious little face, and the wonderful little girl she has become. I'm not a bad mom. But I am disappointed in the experience we shared. I am disappointed that I allowed myself to become subject to the healthcare system, ultimately leading my daughter and I into an unnecessary c-section and robbing us of those first precious moments of her life...all because I was impatient and slightly uncomfortable.
Now, 9 weeks away from my Estimated Due Date with Baby #2, I am very much looking forward to experiencing childbirth the way that God meant for it to be. I am filled with anxiety, excitement, passion, and sometimes fear. I am confidently anticipating God moving in unimagineable ways through my VBAC experience.
But I am scared.
I can't help but play around with the many "what if's" in my mind.
What if I end up in the OR again?
What if I go overdue and fall into the pressure of an unnecessary c-section again?
What if I do actually NEED a c-section this time, will I be OK with that????
I don't know what the end of this pregnancy journey looks like yet, and that scares the bejeebies out of me.
Putting my faith on the line in this way is something I'm not used to. I always add a little obligatory "your will be done" to the end of my prayers, so that if God doesn't perform in the way I want Him to, then I can avoid feeling let down. But with this - it's different. I can't imagine natural birth NOT being His will for me. I can't imagine laying on the operating table again and NOT feeling let down by the Almighty Lord. And praying such a bold prayer as this is not something I am used to. But here I am, and I think it's right where He wants me.
This week has been so full of emotional ups-and-downs. Partly due to hormones, and partly due to God working in my heart - And I am thankful for both. I am thankful for the Sunday mornings when His Holy Spirit pulls at my heart, calling me to forgive my abuser (again) - When I thought I was 'over' it, when I thought I was 'past' that - He took me yet another step further and renewed my strength once again, in that Holy way that only He can. I am thankful for my hormonally tear-filled ride to work when a glance in the backseat filled me with an overwhelming sense of love for my daughter, moving me to tears. I am thankful for the nights when I'm laying in the dark silence of my daughter's bedroom, listening to her breathe steadily as she drifts off to sleep, and feel that tiny jolt within me, reminding me of this brand new life that will be soon added to our family. When these thoughts fill me with love, with fear, with joy, and with anxiety - I am thankful for each emotion, for each moment, and for each undeserved blessing.
I am also thankful that God has given me the courage to share my story. I am hopeful that sometime, somewhere, it will reach someone and offer an answer to a prayer - a feeling of support - and a little bit of understanding. If my story brings even one single person closer to Christ, then it was worth every ounce of pain.