The Final Countdown

One month from this weekend is my due date with baby #3. I can hardly believe it!
I just took some time reading through my old blog entries - remembering my pregnancy with Jonah, reflecting on my VBAC journey, and praising God for the fears and trials that He helped me overcome. He is so faithful and good!
This birth is particularly exciting for me. Working with the midwives at BID Plymouth has been a joy. They are all so positive and encouraging, and even meeting with the head MD this week for my TOLAC clearance was an enjoyable experience. I have the upmost confidence in my birthing team this time around and am absolutely at peace with this birth experience. I know that I know that if anything goes wrong, if any interventions take place, they will be necessary. I don't have to walk into the hospital fearful of being taken advantage of or lied to. It's such a beautiful feeling! I am so thankful.

I have had three people close to me have babies this month, which has helped increase my excitement about having this baby :-) I feel simultaneously "READY to GETTHISBABYOUTOFME", and content with enjoying this final month with Phoenix and Jonah.
It's a sweet spot of the in-between, that I have come to be very comfortable with and thankful for.

I feel pretty good for almost 36 wks pregnant. I have heartburn almost all the time, my back/hips hurt, and I cant sleep anymore - but I praise God that I'm carrying a healthy baby to term and am enjoying it as much as humanly possible (while still very much looking forward to being able to sleep on my stomach again...)

Phoenix started Kindergarten last week and LOVES school. She is enjoying Daisies at church, and Jonah will begin Rainbows in January. I can hardly believe how quickly my babies are growing up and I know that in a very short amount of time I will be feeling the same way about this little one.

This year has been full of amazing blessings and growth. God has been so good to us and we give Him all of the Glory. We are looking forward to our family's future with anticipation and excitement, but also thoroughly enjoying this time in our lives. We are so blessed ... God never seizes to amaze me!

17 weeks!

I've been doing a horrible job at keeping up with my pregnancy :-) 

Can't believe I'm already 17 weeks!

Feeling the baby move lots for the past week or so (this ones a groover!). Found midwives that I LOVE at Beth Isreal Plymouth Hospital (formarly Jordan Hospital), and really enjoying pregnancy this time around. Knowing how fast it really does fly by is helping me enjoy each moment. 

After struggling with some acne and nausea at the beginning of pregnancy , I'm feeling really great these days with just minor aches , shortness of breath , and uncomfortable sleeping positions :-) 

Had one ultrasound at 13 wks and everything was looking good ... Not planning on having another one! 

Phoenix and Jonah both hug and kiss the "baby" all the time. I think Jonah is really going to enjoy being a big brother. 

We announced on Facebook on Easter Sunday : 

Here's to my unmedicated dream birth! 

Baby #3 is on the way!

On February 20 2015, we got these: 

Hooray!!!!

Based on my own calculations, this puts me around Nov 1st for a due date :-) 

We are very happy and excited! I feel great so far - sore Breasts , skin changes on my face (so weird ), peeing and eating constantly!, and a little tired but otherwise all is good!! Phoenix and Jonah totally don't "get it" yet. I told my close friends and sisters but we haven't told our moms or families yet. Will probably do a "fb announcement" around easter. 

Now begins the hunt for a VBAC friendly midwife , to help me achieve my unmedicated dream birth ! ;-)

Really trying to trust God completely this time Around...he is in control. He is good. He loves me and wants good things for me. I'm finding peace in Him these days .

Saving Time AND Money : Monthly Menu Planning

My organization skills are a mess.

If it wasn't for my husband's Type A personality, literally nothing would ever get done in our household. Lucky for me, I married an OCD man with a Business degree...(And he's handsome too ;-) )

So, together, we have put together a system that works for both of us. 

It is organized, helps us save money, 

And (most importantly for me) 

... It's Easy.

And because it works SO well for us, I am going to share it with you today. An easy, peasy, 10 step process of keeping a monthly meal plan (with pictures!).

You're Welcome.

1. Make The Folder:
This part is important, so pay attention.

To make your meal planning folder, you need two essential things : 

A calendar page (right), and a pen. 

I personally have included the "Family Dinner Favorites" printable that I found on Pinterest from the Clean Mama Blog, and I use this reference sheet to help me decide on meals while I am planning the new month's menu.
Behind these sheets, I also include an area for coupons/flyers and my shopping lists.

2. Review The Old Menu:
As you can see, this is the menu from September. I keep track throughout the month of what meals we ate, what meals we switched around, etc. (This picture was taken on Thursday the 25th, See where it says "groceries"). Knowing when we last ate what meals, and what meals perhaps got skipped throughout the month, helps me plan my new month's menu.

3. Decide what food / recipe ingredients you still have left from last month:
I do this on a simple blank sheet or notecard. 
The top picture is a list of random foods I have left to use:

And the bottom is a list of some meals I still have all the ingredients left to make:

4. Get the new months' calendar sheet out:

I print mine off of a Word Doc template.

5. Fill out the calendar page with your obligations for the month:

This includes: appointments that effect dinnertime, obligations that would make the day too busy to spend cooking a complicated meal, days we plan on having people over and would need to cook extra, days we plan on going out, etc.

6. Pull out any coupons/flyers that you've acquired and review them:
If you plan your meals based on what coupons you have/what's on sale at your favorite stores, you will save some money.

I keep my coupons in a clear sheet protector.
We only shop at BJ's (wholesale club) or Target, so I only keep coupons for those two places.
Time is a factor in our family and I just don't have time to be shopping around.
We also have a very small home and do not do "couponing". I strictly use coupons ONLY for things that I would be buying ANYWAYS. I am NOT going to be buying in bulk strictly to save money...Just don't have the time or space!

/EndRant. :-)

7. Planning the menu:
Based on the above steps (favorite family meals, ingredients that we already have left in the house, and coupons), it's time to plan the meals! Working around your schedule for the month, plan meals that make sense for your family.

I try to do one new meal (usually from Pinterest) a week, but as you can see, we tend to recycle a lot of the same meals. We are a simple family. This month, my husband and I are both leaving town, so the menu is even more simple than usual.

(When trying a new recipe, be sure to write down on the menu where the recipe is from, so that you don't forget. Four weeks is a long time to remember where you found that crazy new chicken casserole recipe...)

8. Grocery List:
As you're writing the meals on the menu, keep track of what you need to buy and where you need to buy it from. Since we only shop at 2 stores, it's a pretty simple system for us:

Before we head out to do the shopping, I triple check the fridge and pantry to add anything else we might need, as well as bath and paper products, etc.
This list stays up on our fridge all of the time so that we are constantly adding to it as we notice things that we need to buy. This cuts down on our trips to the store quite a bit.
(Although we still find ourselves going weekly for small perishable things, like lunchmeat or fresh fruits/veggies, and things that we forget. There is no perfect system!)

9. Replace old month's menu with new one:

10. Enjoy stress-free dinner planning for the rest of the month!

Thanks to a recent gift from my local MOPS, I write the menu for the week on a little dry-erase board and hang it in my kitchen. It's an easy reference for me to remember to pull out whatever needs to be thawed for dinner that night. Plus, it looks cute! Double Win!

Please comment below if you have
any questions or suggestions! 

Thanks for reading! :-)

My Journey

10pm on July 9 (2014)

Four years ago, at this moment, I was finally sleeping after receiving my epidural. 34 hours of induced labor had exhausted me. I didn't know it at the time, I was so clueless and naive, but I was two hours away from being wheeled into the OR for surgery. 

I remember at one point that night, a friend of mine asked if I thought I might need a c-section. I responded very confidently - NO WAY! This induction would work ... The doctor said so!!! It had to!

It didn't.

And I will always regret that unnecessary decision to induce labor at 41 weeks - because for the rest of my childbearing years, it will affect me; doctors will deny my care, insurance companies will refuse my coverage, and every birth will face extraordinary opposition no matter what option I choose. And for the rest of my life, it will leave me physically scarred. 

Yet in the midst of the anger, resentment, sadness, and regret - I feel gratitude as well. Not only for the healthy, perfect, and beautiful little girl who turns four in two hours ... But also for the journey that began that night.

While motherhood does not define me - it has certainly shaped me to be the woman I am today. It has created in me a beautiful mix of passion and love that I never imagined could exist in me before. 

The night Phoenix was born also gave me the gift of later becoming a "VBAC mom". To passionately study child birth and educate myself, and then to conquer the nearly impossible and successfully birth vaginally with a scarred uterus - to defy the uneducated voices who would try to convince me day after day throughout my pregnancy that I was endangering my baby, people who tried to steal my gift from me - is an awesome and empowering feeling that I will always be grateful for. 

My hope is that as I share my story, other women will also find themselves empowered. That I can share my knowledge and help to educate other women , offering them the wonderful experience of redeeming their God-given right and ability to give birth. That someday I can stand by the bed of a woman who needs my support and cheer her on as she cries out in passion, delivering her newborn into the world, and say "You did it!".

And most of all, that ALL of the glory would go to the One True, Most High God, for creating our bodies so flawlessly and lovingly. 

That women would learn to trust in HIM again... Despite what their doctors, or anybody else, might say.

SOBO Project

A year ago, I had a very young baby who slept like a champ. One night, however, he was inconsolable and I took him into the living room to watch TV so that his daddy could get some sleep for work the next day.

Flipping mindlessly through the channels, I came across a random news story about human trafficking in Quincy, Massachusetts. My heart was overwhelmed with grief as I listened to the stories and statistics of what was happening right in my own backyard. I spent hours that night after Jonah had finally fallen asleep searching news stories, blogs, statistics, and anything I could get my hands on - overcome with interest, sorrow, and a feeling of "SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!".
The next morning, on very little sleep, I decided to Google "Fighting human trafficking in Quincy Massachusetts". For some strange, Godly reason, a familiar name came up as the very first link : Kristina Kaiser - pastor from the River Church. Just a few weeks prior, their church had attended our church's Good Friday Healing Service and also held their Baptism ceremonies in our sanctuary. I read a blog post, I believe, (or perhaps listened to a sermon - now I can't remember) about how she, too, had learned about the problem in our city and was searching for ways to become involved.
I contacted her that morning, asking if we could get together to discuss. I was representing Glad Tidings Church, with permission from my pastor, as the Outreach Coordinator - and I truly felt God was pulling us in this direction.

A few days later, I sat in her kitchen - and neither of us really had any clue where we should go with this. We agreed on all points; this was a very real issue, we needed to help, and God was calling us. So we decided to start small, and planned a book reading club during the summer months of the International Justice System's "The Just Church".

The 'small group' went well, and by the end of the summer we had established a fairly solid "Justice Task Force" - a group of dedicated people, responding to God's call. We held a food drive at the local Stop N Shop for a Boston-based rescue home for trafficked women, called Amirah House (Who, by the way, spoke at my home church the week after my initial meeting with Kristina - talk about a confirmation from the Lord!), and split ourselves up into a few groups - One group leading fundraising, one group creating a smartphone app, one group focusing on the possibility of opening our own safe shelter, and one group - the one closest to my heart - focused on reaching out to the youth of Quincy; educating and equipping our children before trafficking becomes a reality in their lives.

Today, a year from the strange night I first learned about this issue, we are 3 days away from launching our very first Community Youth Program with the SOBO (See the One. Be the One) Project, as we've come to call ourselves. We are now officially a Not-For-Profit Organizaton (NGO). 

For four Sundays in May and June, we will provide Free Professionalism training through a Workshop taught by one of our very talented and experienced SOBO members, Kimberly Meyer. A former intern for the POTUS, Kimberly has an AWESOME curriculum put together and I am BEYOND excited about what God is doing through her! We have this great opportunity to equip the young people of Quincy with the information and knowledge needed to be successful and active professionals in the community, providing them with the resources they need to provide for themselves - keeping them out of the "at risk" zone for trafficking - and equipping them to go out into the world and make a difference.
HOW.GREAT.IS.THAT?!?

I will, of course, keep the blog updated as the SOBO Project grows. I undoubtedly believe that, as long as we stay open to responding to His call, the Lord is using us - and will continue to use us - to bring Freedom to those in Bondage. 

ISAIAH 61:1-3
"THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS UPON ME, BECAUSE HE ANOINTED ME TO PREACH THE GOSPEL TO THE POOR. HE HAS SENT ME TO PROCLAIM RELEASE TO THE CAPTIVES, AND RECOVERY OF SIGHT TO THE BLIND, TO SET FREE THOSE WHO ARE OPPRESSED, TO PROCLAIM THE FAVORABLE YEAR OF THE LORD."…

This was the purpose of Christ's life, death, and resurrection - And the calling of all of His chosen people.
Will We Answer His Call???

7 weeks postpartum

It's so funny how the last few weeks of pregnancy seem to go by soooo slllooowwwlllyyy, while the first few weeks of baby's life just FLY by!
We are so blessed with Jonah. He is an awesome baby. Grunty, but awesome :-) He sleeps pretty well, nurses like a champ, takes a bottle and a paci without a fuss, and enjoys tummy time!! I'd call that a winner!

Over time, I've come to a complete peace with my birth and my body. Every decision was made with support, knowledge, and prayer. Jonah and I experienced exactly the sort of birth that God had for us, and I am eternally thankful for it.

The act of giving birth is something so deep, so personal, that it can be difficult to explain to people. So I've sort of stopped trying. All I can say is...Here's my story. Here's what it means to me. I hope it helps you in your own journey.

My VBAC was an answered prayer, a fulfilled promise. It was a place where my spirit and my body met and worked together. It was a place where my weakness and my strength came together and collided to create this crazy, beautiful, and intense emotion that cannot be explained. It was a place where I laid myself down and surrendered everything to God, where I completely and wholeheartedly accepted that His will for me was the Only way. And it was also a place where I took every bad thought of myself and my body and threw it out the window. My body was created so beautifully (I am fearfully and wonderfully made!), perfectly orchestrated to create life, grow it within me, and birth it - Nothing else mattered! And now, after having that experience, nothing else ever will. I trust in my body, and in my God. He is the perfect designer, and He makes no mistakes. And I Will no longer give satan the satisfaction of taking that away from me through the memories of the evil that was done to me (and by me) in my past. I am forgiven, therefore I can forgive...Which is such a beautiful relief.

It is truly my prayer that by sharing my journey, it will encourage someone, somewhere, that they Can give birth. That they Can overcome their pasts, overcome their fear, overcome their doubt. Through God, all things are possible.

When I was at the beginning of this journey, I found strength in other women's stories. Now, I add mine. I pass the torch on to the next birthing woman, and move forward. I am so thankful to be a part of this sisterhood of birth. And I hope that I do well in glorifying God with it. To Him be the glory forever and ever.

Three Weeks Postpartum

The more I think about it, I can't really call the feelings of labor/deliver "pain". Pain is something you experience as a result of something bad happening. The feeling of bringing a child into this world is not "Painful"...But it IS intense! It is challenging, and even difficult at times. But it is the result of something so beautiful, something that comes directly from God, and therefore I just can't justify calling it "Pain".


This week, Jonah is 3 weeks old. Phoenix has adjusted so well to being a big sister...I am unbelievably proud of her. My husband has also blown me away with all of the ways that he has stepped up, being such an amazing father and husband throughout this transition and completely sacrificing himself for the three of us. I am so blessed and thankful.

I am having a hard time deciding whether or not to share this blog journey with my friends and family. While I do believe that God has given me an awesome testimony and He certainly doesn't mean for me to keep it to myself (Matt 5:15 "Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.") ... it's still so nervewracking for me to put myself "out there" like that. I'm not convinced I'm ready to hear other people's opinions of my experience - And I know that there are some particularly unsupportive people who would certainly have their opinions.

I also am not sure that I've expressed as clearly as I want to the importance of my childbirth experience in my life journey - The healing that I experienced regarding all other areas of my life - The connection between this pregnancy/birth experience & my healing from childhood abuse. I'm still trying to find a way to put it into words, and until I do - I just don't think people would understand. But maybe the ones who wouldn't understand never will. I don't know...but it's definitely something I need to pray over.

"Father, please give me guidance, strength, and courage in sharing my testimony. Give me discernment in who I am meant to share my story with. And may I always glorify You when I share it. To You be the glory and honor forever. Amen."

Healing

Somehow, I guess I expected my VBAC to bring "healing" to the anger, pain, and sadness that surrounds my Csection memories. In a way, I guess it did - It proved to me that I'm Not broken, that I am strong and capable, that my body works and that God is with me. But the memories of my csection are still there, and they still hurt. And they always will.

My csection will always, forever, be a part of my journey. The emotions that come with it will always exist within me. And as much as I wish I could make them go away, I suppose I'm also thankful for them. I'm thankful for my story - For my daughter and my son...And the special, unique ways they arrived into this world. I am thankful for the pain, the happiness, the anger, the joy, and every emotion that comes with childbirth and motherhood. I am thankful that I have a story that can relate to SO many women around the world - That through my testimony I can offer support, love, understanding, and encouragement. If even one woman in my life is encouraged by my story, then all of the pain was worth it.

Over time, I'm sure it will lessen - But I have realized now that it will always exist. My VBAC was an amazing experience, one that I am so thankful to have had. And I am also thankful that it didn't "heal" my memories of the way Phoenix arrived into the world - That I can still hold on to our experience together - And now, moving forward, I can embrace it.

Motherhood is such an interesting journey. For all of us.

Hindsight is always 20/20

Our baby boy is 9 days old, and everything has been wonderful so far. Big sister has adjusted so well, I am extremely proud of her and thankful for what a good girl she is. We are so blessed! Jonah sleeps, eats, and sleeps some more...He is so happy and adorable. We couldn't be more thankful for this family God has given us.
The first few days after coming home from the hospital, my mother-in-law was here with us to help out. It was so nice to have the company and support during my first few days with two kids. She was so helpful with cooking meals, holding Jonah when I needed to get something done, and helping me figure out the whole pumping/bottle feeding thing. I never pumped with Phoenix, so it's all new to me. So far, so good!

I have found myself obsessing over my birth story, and not being able to let go of the 'woulda, shoulda, coulda's'. It's not that I'm not completely thankful for God bringing me through it and granting me my VBAC, but there are definitely defining moments that, looking back, I know I made the wrong decision and wish I could have a re-do.

First, I think I went to the hospital too soon. I felt like I had to, because I had nowhere else to go that I would be away from Phoenix, but looking back I wish I had taken a while longer to snuggle with her, maybe take a bath or something with her, before going. It was our last moments with her as our Only child, and I kind of rushed it. I regret that now.

Second, I Never, ever should have let them break my water. I think breaking my water was part of what caused him to get stuck in such a funky position, leading to my epidural. I wish I had been more patient and let my body do what it needed to do.

Knowing now what I didn't know then, I Wish I could go back. HOWEVER, I do feel completely at peace knowing that I did what I thought was best at the time, and still got my VBAC. I feel successful and regretful at the exact same time.

I know that only time will help me overcome the negative emotions surrounding my experience. Satan wants to keep me from remaining in awe of God, he wants to remove me from my state of happiness and move me to a state of doubt...I can't let him do that to me!

My birth story, my experience, Jonah's arrival - The story is now complete. And now I have to move forward, to be the best mother I can be to my two beautiful blessings - no matter how they arrived into this world. They are amazing and I can't let anything distract me from that.

Suzie-My birth support

I logged onto Facebook last night to find this as my best friend/birth support/doula's Facebook status. I cried reading about this experience from her point of view. I am so thankful for her love, support, guidance, prayers, and appreciation of what we did together. She is an awesome blessing in my life and I can't say Thank You enough for all she's done. 

WOW. I am so humbled and in awe of what I just got to experience. Watching my best friend push a baby out of her was the most beautiful, intense, powerful, personal, spiritual thing i've ever seen or been a part of. I am amazed and inspired by her strength and courage through all this; praising Jesus and worshiping/singing through contractions, scaling impossible walls over and over, fighting to claim the successful VBAC that God had promised her... I am so unbelievably proud of her. It makes me so proud to be a woman, our bodies were created to do such an extraordinary thing and I'm so grateful that someday I will get to experience it for myself! I am over the moon happy for two amazing, proud parents for the birth of their perfect little boy, and so honored that they would have me be a part of it all. I love you Nick and Meghan!!! Amazing work you too! God is so good! <3333

Jonah Levi 1/7/13

My big boy (8lbs 14ozs, 21 ins!) Jonah Levi arrived by successful VBAC at 4:41 this morning (January 7, 2013).  He is perfect, the birth was amazing, and I couldn't be happier. God is so faithful!

(This is a rough draft copy of my birth story, which I will continue to revise and add on to...It is my hope that by sharing my story, I will be able to encourage women who are exploring their childbirth options to do what is best for their bodies and their babies. God created us to do such an extraordinary thing, and the experience of childbirth is such a beautiful priviledge. I pray that women will be inspired by my testimony.)

I began feeling "braxton hicks" on Thursday, 1/3. A friend of mine came over with her son for a playdate, and we enjoyed a couple of hours of girl-talk and lunch. The contractions weren't painful or timeable, but they were definitely noticeable. We joked about the possibility of me having the baby that weekend, but I still thought I'd most likely go "overdue" again, like I did with my daughter.

Friday, 1/4 - My friend/doula Suzie and I went to the mall together. I was still experiencing these fairly regular and strong "braxton hicks", and a couple of them even stopped me in my tracks during our mall adventure, scaring the crap out of Suzie and all the people around us, haha. That night the contractions became consistant at 10-15 mins apart, but still not painful. I was able to sleep through most of them, and was still referring to them as "braxton hicks". I felt encouraged that my body was preparing for labor, and embraced the idea that this "prodromal labor" could last for days or even a couple of weeks.

Saturday (1/5) afternoon, I kept myself busy to distract myself from these "fake" contractions. After dropping Nick off at work, I went to the mall for a couple of hours, had lunch at CPK with Phoenix, and then drove 30 minutes (one way) to & from a playdate. The contractions were becoming more and more noticeable, but still not painful. Throughout the day, I lost lots of my mucous plug and had bloody show with each bathroom trip. (Sorry for the TMI...Pregnancy can be so gross sometimes! Haha)

Saturday night I continued to experience what I was CONVINCED was "fake" or "prodromal" labor, although now the contractions were timeable at 6 minutes apart, and I couldn't sleep through them. At this point I started getting a little vocal/moany during contractions. I slept as much as I could in between waves, until finally around 1am on Sunday 1/6, I moved into the living room. I bounced on my labor ball, listened to worships music, texted my sister, babysitter, and Suzie to let them all know what was going on...I wrote a short blog entry, and ate some toast. I finally started to think that Maybe this was "it".
Around 6am I decided to lay down and try to sleep some. While sleeping, the waves spaced back out to 10-15 minutes apart but were still waking me up. Discouraged, I decided to send my husband to work and to go to church service.Suzie came over to help me with Phoenix, and I texted my babysitter and told her to go on with her day, nothing exciting was happening after all.

As I walked into church, I heard during announcements "Remember Meghan Crabb in your prayers today, as she is in the hospital having the baby!" (We had texted a couple people at the beginning of the morning...and never texted them back when we decided it wasn't time after all). I was CRACKING UP as I walked in the sanctuary and saw everyones confused faces! During praise & worship, I worshipped God with all of my heart, thanking Him, praying that I would glorify Him, pleading with Him to open my mind, heart, soul, and body in preperation of the upcoming birth. During this time, I had a couple of waves and sang through them which was an awesome, spiritual experience. During the message, I moved into the "nursing mothers room" and began timing the contractions again...3-4 minutes apart! Now things were getting exciting! I stayed throughout the service, chatting with the ladies in the nursing mother's room in between contractions. The message that morning was about "staying connected to the vine", which was a common theme throughout the rest of my labor. I was consistently reminded  that I needed to draw my strength from God. The men at church were SO funny, they got so alarmed every time I needed to stop for a contraction! At one point, a friend had come up to tease me about laboring at church when a Very strong wave hit me - I leaned into her and she held me up while I moaned through it in the middle of the sanctuary. I could tell everyone was concerned I was about to have the baby right there or something! When we left church, I felt at complete peace and knew it was "time", but was also still in no hurry to get to the hospital.

Somebody had parked directly behind us, blocking us in, so I stood outside the car for a few contractions, went back in to go pee, and joked around with Suzie while we waited for that person to move. While it was slightly irritating that someone blocked us in, I also thought it was probably God's way of slowing me down so I didn't rush to the hospital too quickly.

We went home for lunch (I only ate an apple), I fed Phoenix, and we called Nick to come home from work. Suzie's mom drove over to babysit, and once everyone was fed and Nick changed out of his work clothes, we were off.

The whole way to the hospital, even though contractions were 3-5 min apart, I kept saying to my husband..."I don't know, I'm afraid they're gonna send us home. It doesn't feel painful enought to be real!" Thankfully, my dear loving husband knew better and continued on his way. When we checked in, I was 4cm dialated and fully effaced..this baby was coming!!!

[Walking into L & D, there is this little button you have to push and the nurse asks "How may I help you?" before she opens the doors for you. I stood there perplexed for a moment, and then responded "Uhmm.....Im here to have a baby?" Hahaha.]

It was strange to be in some in-between spot here -- Feeling at peace in my soul, but completely doubtful in my mind.
But God is always faithful and He brought me through it.

Right away the doctor wanted to break my water. I said no. Two hours later, she checked me and I was at a six. She asked again, and I said no. I was doing really well laboring with Suzie and Nick and didn't want to interrupt the flow of things with an intervention.

I quickly progressed to 8 cm, 4 hours after our arrival to the hospital. Until about 7cm, there was lots of laughter, joking, loving, dancing, and eating going on in our delivery room. Nick, Suzie, and I were truly enjoying this time together and the only emotion that filled that room was excitement. I worshipped loudly through contractions, keeping my mouth open and moaning (I believe there is a correlation between open mouth/open cervix. It seemed to work for me!). We went for one walk up and down the halls, noticing that I was the Only laboring woman in the entire L&D ward.

As transition approached, though, I decided it was time to start getting serious. We turned on some worship music, turned off the lights, and got quiet. It was an awesome time of praise, allowing God's presence to fill my heart and comfort my body with each contraction. Suzie had brought these awesome flameless candles. The room felt so serene and relaxing and we had an awesome flow going - As a contraction approached, I would simply moan - never had to say a word - and one of them (Nick or Suzie) would immediately be at my side, comforting me, holding me, supporting me as I breathed through it. It was so nice to have two wonderful support people who were so In Tune with my needs.
[One time, as Nick held me during a contraction, I started to bite him! Poor guy! He was so good, too...just letting me do whatever I needed to manage my pain.]
At this point, the babysitter texted us that she had to leave. It must have been around 6 or 7 pm, but I really have no idea...I lost all sense of time during my labor. We all discussed who would go home to be with Phoenix, and agreed that it would be best for Suzie to stay with me and Nick to go home. I was so sad for him to leave. After he left, I broke down crying in the middle of a contraction. Things got really crazy and we knew we were hitting transition. I cried "I don't want Phoenix to hate me!"
A few contractions later, I peed on the bed.
The next contraction, I peed on the floor. (And Suzie's shoes).
I was totally losing control of my body and managing the contractions was taking ALL of my concentration.
I went to use the bathroom, and this was when all clothing came off - Not to be put back on until after the birth. I told Suzie I wanted my skirt, so she spent 5 minutes or so digging through all of our bags to find it. When she finally handed it to me, I sobbed "I dont even want it anymore!" and gave it back to her. I was a total wreck at this point.

The doctor came in and I was at 8cm. She told me that if I let her break my water, the baby would be here in a half hour. OF COURSE I said okay.

Soon after, I felt the urge to push. They checked me and I was still only 8cm and the baby had dropped into a really bad position and was stuck, so I was trying to stop myself, and it was extremely painful. We sat like this for a few hours, contractions almost on top of one another and feeling pushy. For a while (I have no idea how long, it felt like eternity) they had me laying on my side, with the bed laid back (so I was on a sort of upside-down angle, to move the baby back up out of the birthing canal to reposition) which made it near impossible to manage the contractions - I was just counting through them in pain. Finally, I broke. I came to the end of myself and begged God for His divine intervention.

Sometime during this, Nick came back - My brother in law was able to be home with Phoenix, and she was in bed. I had no sense of time, but I figured it must have been 9pm or so if Phoenix was asleep.

After saying a prayer with my husband and Suzie, we decided that the best way to relax my body enough to help baby re-position was with an epidural. This was probably the hardest part of the labor so far. I felt like a failure, but I knew it was the only way to stay out of the OR at this point. My body was tired and there was no relaxing to be had with such strong contractions and the urge to push. I cried while they got the room prepped for the epidural, and Suzie asked me "are you sure you want this?" I sobbed and sobbed, saying "Im sorry I let you down. I let everyone down. I just cant do this right now".
Placing the epidural was pure hell. They made Nick and Suzie leave, and I was alone with a nurse and the anesthesiologist. The contractions were on top of each other, but I had to sit perfectly still on the edge of the bed, bent over my belly - squishing the baby - And crying. I moved once during a contraction, and the needle hit a vein. He had to start over again. The entire time I was wondering why it had come to this...Why did I need this epidural...Was I making the wrong choice...Was I headed to the OR. I was in so much pain, so uncomfortable, so alone, and so doubtful.

Once the epidural was in place, I was able to rest. When the cathater was placed, I released a ridiculous 1400 ml of urine! How was it even possible to have all that, plus a baby, and a placenta, in there..and not even realize I had to pee?!? We were astonished! We also thought that perhaps it was part of the reason the baby was stuck in such a weird position. The nurse helped me into positions conducive to repositioning baby, and I slept there for a couple of hours. When she checked me again, I was ready to push! Suzie made a comment around this time about the baby having Jan 7th as a birthday, and I was so out of touch with what time it was that I exclaimed "No Way! I'll die if this goes on past midnight!"....And she told me, It IS midnight!!! I had no idea it had been so long! Everything had been seeming to move so fast to me. We turned off the epidural, and as soon as the feeling arrived back into my legs, I was up and about - Changing positions, pushing, and getting very excited. I wasn't in a terrible hurry and was taking the time to soak it all in...learning how to push, resting in between contractions, trying out the birthing stool, birthing bar, etc. This lasted for a couple of hours before a gush of meconium came out. The nurse got more serious with me at this point and said, "We need to get this baby out soon." 

I immediately became discouraged...I was so afraid to end up in the OR again, after all of this hard work. I tried every position possible, and nothing. He wasn't moving. The nurse told me she thought I'd push best on my back. I fought it so hard - Convinced that I'd done SO much research, there was NO way that would be the best way to push! But after an hour or two of doing it 'my' way with no progress, I gave in. I laid down on my back, and within a few pushes, I could see the head!!! I couldn't believe it was working!!!

Now this part of labor was the most exhausting. I was completely drained. My heart rate was accelerating, and the baby's started dropping. The doctor came in and told me it was time...I had to do this. So I did. After allowing an episiotomy, I was ready to do this. I have no idea how long I pushed for. It felt like hours, it must have been two or so..and we did take a couple of breaks.

But I pushed. I pushed like there was no tomorrow. I felt like I was going to burst. Everything on my body hurt, and I just wanted this baby OUT. With the last few contractions (Though I didn't know at the time that I was as close as I was) I was yelling "Just get it out! Use the vacuum or something! I can't do it!"
To which my doctor responded, "I'm not doing anything - You are doing this. You are doing great".

I was immediately encouraged and remembered that GOD was with me. He had put this birthing team in place for me and He would bring me to the end of this. I remembered Isaiah 66:9-"Do I bring to the moment of birth and not give delivery?"

So I pushed with all of my might. I didn't even know I had this kind of physical strength. I was so focused that I totally missed watching him come out, even though the mirror was in place and I had been watching for most of the pushing. I just remember looking down at the table after a giant, exhausting push, and there was a baby there!! Later I found out that he was born "sunnyside up" (occiput posterior position). After he was out, I immediately fell back in the pillows and rested...I was more tired than I've ever been. I looked up, and there was Nick on my left, and Suzie on my right. Both of them were crying, still holding my legs up. I felt surrounded by love and joy. It hadn't quite hit me yet that I had done it - I had a successful VBAC! I was just SO tired!

 He was having trouble breathing from the meconium, so they quickly cut his cord and took him to the other side of the room to be examined. I got stitched up (I ended up with a second degree episiotomy), and delivered the placenta. My husband leaned down to kiss me and announced proudly to the room "It's a Penis!!!" (He always has a way with his words :-) )

Delivering the placenta was weird for me...It was huge! The doctor started pulling the cord and a nurse was pushing my belly, and I kept saying "No dont do that, I want to deliver it naturally...don't pull the cord." But the doctor completely ignored me and kept doing it without so much as a response. Suzie intervened and said "Stop, she said not to do that!" And then the doctor looked up and said "Listen, you're bleeding a lot and we need it to stop. We need it out now." I'm not sure to this day if there was really a problem or not, I was very confused and felt completely detached from the experience. I let them do what they needed to do and stared across the room at my baby boy - being poked and prodded at by the NICU team, making this horrible struggling noise, unable to catch a good breath. The nurses reassured me it sounded worse than it was...He was going to be okay, he had just swallowed some meconium.

I was finally able to hold him after 45 minutes. I immediately took him out of his blanket, took my bra off, and let him play around with nursing. They told me not to expect him to latch right away, but he did! He was born a great nurser. :-) Everyone left the room, Nick went home, and Suzie and I fell asleep with baby on my chest.

And so this was the end of my VBAC journey - At a hospital sporting a 42% csection rate and 8% VBAC rate - Three days of prodromal labor - 14 hours at the hospital, Artificial rupture of membranes, meconium, epidural - All odds against me - God carried me through. He kept His Holy promise, and fulfilled my heart's desire to give birth.

 God's presence was overwhelming in the midst of my pain, my struggle, my excitement, and my joy. I've never felt as close to Him as I did when I had gotten to the end of myself - the last stages of this labor, when I had nothing left to give - He stepped in, and He took over. He gave me HIS strength, HIS courage, HIS spirit - And I was able to overcome. I am so thankful for His faithfulness and love for me. (Isaiah 40:31 "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.")

We chose the name Jonah pretty easily after birth. Nick had recently read the book of Jonah and really liked it. The stubbornness of our son's delivery seemed to be pretty appropriate with the story of Jonah - Who was also a stubborn guy. We also thought that the irony of my labor lasting 3 days was just too much to ignore. So we settled quickly. Levi is my husband's middle name. Jonah Levi. He is so perfect and his name fits him well.

Although I couldn't help but ask after we settled....Does this mean I'm a whale?

:-)

Could this really be it?!

Almost 1am (Sunday, Jan 6), entering day 3 since my irregular contractions (prodromal labor) began. Throughout last night and today, I lost my plug/bloody show (I know, totally TMI, sorry!). Tonight my contractions finally became regular, steadying 5-8 mins for the past 4 hours or so. I am anxiously pacing my living room, listening to worship music, trying to draw near to God...Bouncing on my birthing ball, trying to rest in between waves...But finding myself in so much doubt!!!

"Give me eyes to see more of who you are,
May what I behold still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known and break it all apart,
For you, My God, are greater still"

We're almost there...

39 weeks today! I've been slacking severely in the blogging area...Documenting the end of this pregnancy has been more difficult than I expected. I guess I just don't know what to say these days! Part of me feels like, since not that many people are reading this, there's no point...Another part of me remembers that I didn't start this blog to get readers, I started it to document my experience for myself. It's hard to want to do that when all there is to document is stories of changing bowel movements, mucus discharge, and so many other wonderfully feminine parts of pregnancy. :-p

Anyhoo...Here I am! One week away from due date! I feel SO excited, SO anxious, and more "ready" with every morning that passes STILL pregnant :-)
Baby is still getting hiccups at least once a day (which drives mommy crazy!), but is moving downwards and seems to be preparing him/herself for labor, too. It's exciting to feel like I am working with my baby to bring 'labor day' closer. I start every morning off with some bouncing on my labor ball, squatting, walking, and end every evening with a hot bath/shower, some nipple stimulation, and relaxation. The baby is in "go" position, and so am I! I am SO excited to see the end results of all these months of preperation!

My little girl, soon-to-be big sister, has been lovin' on momma and my belly a lot lately, too. I am extremely excited to see her grow in big-sisterhood...I just know she's going to love this baby and do a great job helping mommy out! She's so smart :)
I've booked myself up this weekend with playdates, and scheduled hubby and I a nice date night Monday - Complete with massages, dinner, and a movie! While I'm very much looking forward to it, I also wouldn't complain if I had to miss it all to meet our new addition ;)

 

I have been increasingly detaching myself from God as this pregnancy has progressed. I wonder if it's out of a deep-seeded fear, doubt, or worry. Lack of faith. Today I am committing to drawing near to God again...To finding the peace, joy, love, and confidence that I know exists through His Holy Spirit. And I know that once I receive this faith, once I am standing firm in Him - Then my pregnancy story will come to an end...And my family of four will begin.

Thank You, Father, For so many undeserved blessings. Thank you for your love and forgiveness. Thank you for who you are. Help me to praise you in my life in a way that brings you pleasure and glory. Amen.

38 weeks

1 Cm dialated, 50% Effaced. Beginning to feel slightly impatient but not overly - Very anxious and excited. Feeling good overall and content. Hoping to be writing out my birth story here for you all very soon!!!

Had a wonderful Christmas with the husband's family - We are so blessed and thankful for the people in our lives. Support and love makes such a difference during pregnancy!!!

God bless <3

12/14/12

12/14/12
This date has become one that we Americans won't soon forget.
My thoughts, my prayers, and my broken heart goes out to all of the victims, their families, the survivors, and the community. So many lives were destroyed, broken, changed, and affected. I also am praying for God's mercy as the man who did this stands before His judgement seat. His soul was clearly broken, something was clearly wrong, and only God knows. There is so much pain and suffering in this world.

In my home, we are affected as well. We are hugging our daughter tighter, enjoying this pregnancy more, and cherishing our time together. This life is so very, very short.

Revival

After a few long, exhausting days of feeling very detached from God - these words seemed to jump off of the page and into my soul this afternoon...

Joshua 18:3
"How long will you wait before you begin to take possession of the land that Yhwh, the God of your fathers, has given you?"
It was as if God was asking me directly, "What are you waiting for?". Why haven't I taken claim to the childbirth that He has promised me? Why do I still worry, still wonder, still doubt? My faith is still so weak! I live my life as though I don't REALLY believe that God is big enough, or good enough, or loving enough to give me the desires of my heart. And He is asking me...How long will you wait? I'm only torturing myself - Just as the Israelites were doing. Rather than entering the promised land and enjoying the benefits of God's promise, they allowed themselves to get comfortable in a less-than-desireable place. They doubted that God could possibly have anything better for them, even though He had already promised it to them. By not accepting the promise and letting go of my doubts and fears, I am telling God that I don't trust Him...I don't believe Him. And I am robbing myself of the peace and traquility that comes with trusting in His Holy will.

Father, thank you for your promises. Thank you for your love and forgiveness when my faith is weak. And thank you for your strength.
I pray that Your good and perfect will would be fulfilled in my life. I pray that, through the strength of your holy spirit, I would be filled with the kind of faith that moves mountains. I pray protection over my body, and blessing over the baby in my womb. I pray your favor over our entire family.
In the name of Jesus Christ, I declare that You are great and mighty. I declare your power and kingship over my life. I declare that I am blessed because you love me. You reign - Forever and ever - As creator of the universe, your will is always perfect. I praise you in all things. Amen!

Chinese lunch buffet

^My 33 week bumparoo^

My husband lovingly took the entire week of thanksgiving off of work for us to spend as a family. On our first day off together, we decided to eat lunch at a chinese buffet. Not just any old chinese buffet either; this one was playing uncensored Lil Wayne throughout our meal. Therefore - My dear husband spent the rest of the "vacation" taking care of Phoenix and I while I was bedridden with cramps, diarreah, and stabbing pains for 36 hours. Oh, the joys of growing a human. :-)

By thanksgiving day I was feeling better, so we ventured off to our dear friend's house and spent the day eating, playing games, and chatting. It was a great time and we have SO much to be thankful for!

Last night, as I was putting my little girl to bed - It hit me that she won't remember the past 2 years. She'll grow up never remembering life without her little brother/sister. That's so bittersweet for me...After 2 years of staying home with her, nursing for 17 months, travelling - moving - playing - She will never have any memories of being my "only baby". I so cherish these two years. I cherish the moments I've spent with her, the night-time nursing and co-sleeping, the special bond I've shared with my precious first child. And while she will never remember, I will never forget. I'll remember for her.

We're now 7 weeks away from baby's projected date of arrival. I am looking forward to spending these next 7 weeks with my girl. Of course I'm anxiously awaiting the moment I get to finally meet my newest babe - But for now, I'm content. I'm content with my perfect, bright-eyed, mommy's girl. And I'm cherishing every moment alone with her.

32 week checkup

Every doctors appointment leaves me feeling more encouraged, more at peace, and more thankful for where God has lead me for OBGYN care. I read so many horror stories online of women who are left with lack of support, lack of proper healthcare, and lack of confidence because of their unsupportive OBs...and I am so thankful to not be one of those women!
My doctor has been so wonderfully encouraging and I just know that God will place the right people in my labor and delivery experience. He is faithful!

Today I'm measuring right on, baby is head-down. CS Scar looks normal, heartbeat is great. Blood pressure was perfect and Im feeling so confident! He did talk about scheduling my c-section "just in case", but he is allowing me to put it off a bit and decide for myself when I'm comfortable to do it. Right now I'm not even thinking that far ahead, so I haven't set the date yet.

I also found out that I can birth in the birthing tub, if it's available when I go in.
I don't need continuous monitoring unless something seems wrong, but I will need a heplock, which is fine.

I can come in whenever I feel like it once labor has begun...They are really leaving it all up to me and allowing me to trust in my own body and decide for myself what my experience is like. It's such a blessing!

God just continues to prove Himself faithful in my life.
For now, I am just relaxing and enjoying pregnancy - Enjoying a week-long vacation with the hubby for Thanksgiving - And playing our new WiiU :-)
I'll continue praying daily, constantly, that God will bring healing, peace, comfort, and joy in my life - That His will would be accomplished through our family - That He would be glorified in my birthing experience.

I know that His plans for me are wonderful. <3

Forgiveness and Healing

God is so good!! I am so thankful that He doesn't let me sit around my whole life in stagnant anger and pain - That He encourages me to face these things head on, even when they hurt. And I am so grateful that He doesn't allow me to do it in  my own weakness, but that He gives me His Holy Spirit to guide me in strength. He is so good.

Today I realized that I was underestimating God's healing power. I was asking Him to do something He already created my body to do: Give birth. He has reassured me time and time again that He will bring me through childbirth, and it's time to let go of my worry and just BELIEVE that.

But He does want to do more.

And so today I began a new "prayer circle" - And I can't wait to see what He's going to do with this one, as impossible as it seems - I know that My God is Able:
I'm asking Him to heal my uterus.

To bring complete restoration and healing to my body, mind, and soul.

And I know that He will have His way. I am so thankful for His good and perfect will.

Jeremiah 29:11
He wants more for me than I can even dare to imagine. He has better plans for my life than I could ever dream to ask Him for.

So full of grace.
So full of love.
Thank you Jesus!!! <3